Merch for the Poor
Can't afford a Nobel Prize? Neither can 99.99% of humanity. Here's some overpriced merchandise to fill the void.
🐟 NORWEGIAN SALMON SPECIAL 🐟
Eat like a laureate! (Minus the recognition, respect, and prize money)
Our salmon is farmed in the same waters where Norway dumps its moral high ground. Now with 50% less mercury!
I Went to the Nobel Ceremony and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
The official uniform of people who will never win anything. 100% Norwegian cotton, watered with the tears of overlooked researchers. Fits like disappointment.
Nobel-Grade Norwegian Salmon (For Peasants)
The same salmon that laureates eat at the ceremony, except canned, processed, and sold to you at a 1000% markup. Sustainably farmed in waters adjacent to oil platforms.
"Peace Through Superior Firepower" Laptop Sticker
Slap this on your MacBook and explain Norwegian foreign policy to confused coffee shop patrons. Features Kongsberg Defence logo (unofficial).
"Losing Nominee Tears" Coffee Mug
Drink your morning coffee from a mug shaped like the Nobel medal you'll never win. Each sip tastes like crushed dreams and Norwegian rain.
"Norway: Selling Peace Since 1901" Hoodie
Stay warm while cold-heartedly ignoring the irony of Norwegian weapon exports. Hood perfect for hiding your face when discussing ethics.
"I Should Have Won" Baseball Cap
Red cap for the perpetually aggrieved. Perfect for golf courses, rallies, and Nobel Committee protests. One size fits most egos.
War Crimes Discount Code Sticker Pack
All our discount codes, beautifully designed as vinyl stickers. Stick them on things and make people uncomfortable. 12-pack.
"Powered by Hypocrisy & Oil Money" Tote Bag
Eco-friendly* bag for carrying your groceries and moral contradictions. *Made from petroleum-based materials, obviously.
Peace Prize Winner Socks (Participation Edition)
You didn't win, but your feet can pretend. Features Nobel medal pattern and "Close Enough" embroidered on the sole.
Thoughts & Prayers Caviar Substitute
Can't afford real caviar? Neither can war refugees. Here's some dyed fish eggs and a tiny flag to stick in your conscience.
"War Criminals Can Win Too!" Motivational Poster
Henry Kissinger's 1973 win proves anyone can achieve anything if they ignore enough casualties. Perfect for corporate offices.
"I Cook With Nobel-Level Pretension" Apron
For when you want to make dinner feel like an elite Stockholm ceremony. Recipe for Norwegian salmon included.
🎁 Nobel Care Package for the Economically Challenged
Includes: 1x Lousy T-Shirt, 1x Canned Salmon, 3x Random Stickers, and 1x Handwritten note explaining why you'll never achieve greatness but that's okay because the system is rigged anyway.
Shipping: Free within Norway (we have oil money). International: Your GDP's problem.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is everything salmon-themed?
Norway's main exports are: oil, weapons, moral superiority, and salmon. Since we can't ship the first three, you get salmon.
Is this ethically sourced?
As ethical as Norwegian weapon exports! Which is to say, we prefer not to think about it.
Can I return items if I win a Nobel Prize?
You won't. But hypothetically, no returns. Winners should have bought the premium merch.
Do you ship to sanctioned countries?
We don't, but Kongsberg Defence probably does. Try them.
Wait - Don't Buy This Junk
Instead of buying ironic merch to fill the void, consider donating to organizations that actually make a difference. Your money could help real people instead of funding our salmon obsession.